Grigory Pasko: Russia’s Bad Cops


From 1 July of the year 2010 subdivisions of moral-psychological provision will begin to work in the system of the MVD to foster patriotism and intolerance towards corruption in policemen, to form in the guardians of order a complex of civic, moral and spiritual qualities, as well as “resistance to unfavourable informational-psychological influence». (The latter, as I understood, this is a boulder tossed in the garden of vile and nasty journalists: if it weren’t for them, the country would never have found out about the yevsyukovian and other deformities in the ranks of the gallant cops).

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Also being proposed is to inculcate in cops a love of cultural centers, clubs, libraries, lecture groups… To conduct individual instructional work with employees manifesting features of “deviant or destructive behavior”…

Also being proposed is to use competitions and exhibitions of amateur artistic creativity, evenings of rest, children’s and family holidays, treks to theatres, museums and the cinema, pastimes in circles …

All this minister Nurgaliyev, as I understood, thought up in response tothe demand of society to reform the police. Nurgaliyev, apparently,understands that to reform THIS is impossible, and decided that withTHIS one needs to work in drawing and sewing circles.

Maybe the minister is right. Let us try not to berate the police(another one, as they clarify to us, we do not have and, as Iunderstood, already won’t), but to re-educate the existing copmentality. From myself personally I propose:

For every cop – a personal automobile of the Mercedes brand with aflashing light, and if he accidentally, through a misunderstanding,wanders into public transit, then on such without delay is set up aflashing light;

For every cop, his children, wives and all distant and close relatives -a complete lifetime social package;

Free admission to the Mausoleum and to the MVD museum;

Annually on police day to each – for free S.Mikhalkov’s book about uncleStyopa;

To each – a personal psychologist, as well as a cosmetologist, a tailorand a chef;

To each cop – a personal security guard, armed to the teeth;

To each cop – a wage of 10 thousand dollars a week;

Holiday on the canaries every half-year;

To prohibit in all mass information media to write bad things aboutcops, for the violation of this prohibition – a life sentence with theserving of punishment at the police newspaper with the obligation towrite only good things about cops;

Eight free meals a day, vitamins and milk (the nastier the cop – themore milk for him);
To provide all cops with bulletordnancefireproof armoured vests andsplinter-proof dimensionless pampers;

In mandatory order for each cop with deviant behavior – six hours a dayof relaxation procedures in relaxation rooms with aquarium piranhas;

To legalize bribes and to repeal PDD [Rules of Road Traffic–Trans.] forall policemen… and while you’re at it all the codes – they’re of no useto them, no use at all;

To create on all TV channels the program «Good night, little coppies»,after it and a glass of kefir to read everyone bedtime stories and givewarm kefir to drink;

To fix up the industrial issuance of personalized bibs with the emblemof subdivisions: for the GIBDD [State Inspectorate for the Safety ofRoad Traffic–Trans.] – striped ones with a depiction of a hundred-dollarnote; for omonovites – with a shield and a truncheon…

To announce an all-Russian competition for thinking up the best methodsfor re-educating cops. To start without delay to introduce theaccelerated course in rhetoric planned for the year 2010 for the highercommand staff of the MVD.

Yes, I almost forgot: to return to the ranks the 15 highly-placed MVDbureaucrats sent out to pasture on 18 February by president DmitryMedvedev. Their priceless experience in the leadership of SUCH a policewill still come in handy.

And finally: to appoint Nurgaliyev lifetime minister of the MVD withthe issuance to him of a personalized bib and a personalized book aboutuncle Styopa.